On 11 March 2025 I started seeing a new psychologist because, well, I needed help. I'm still working with her now (September) and she's making a huge difference to my mental health. Today I had a bit of a blip and as luck would have it, I was booked in for an appointment. My short term memory is pretty average so I took some notes.
One of things my psych encouraged me to do when my inner voice is being harsh, negative and unhelpful is to imagine the most compassionate person I know talking to me. It's an interesting exercise. I've got a few people who fit that description in my mind so I'll cycle through some of y'all.
I'd like to thank everyone who sends me messages or even just reacts with a smile or a thumbs up. I'm living a bit of a hermit lifestyle just now and gentle reminders that I don't suck help a lot.
I'll get through this. I have to.
Since I started with the psych, she encouraged me to do a very simple task in my journal. Write down something I'm grateful for. I really, really, really want to be unstuck (I'm not broken, just stuck) and I figured if this would help then I'd do it along with the journal, the exercises, the meditation, the walking, and trying to be sociable.
Here's a list of what I've been grateful for since March.
- somewhere permanent to live
- people that smiled at me
- that both my kids keep in contact with me
- for being invited to dinner
- that I have options even when I don't think I do
- for my new bike
- for my favourite bushland walking area
- for wonderful old hi-fi technology
- new shoes
- my good friends Karen and Jeff
- that Sooky is home from surgery
- for peaceful moments in nature
- for the love I get from Suzy and Toddo
- for good company from Michelle
- for daylight savings
- for podcasts
- for my own bed
- for a job offer
- for rain
- for good friends
- my Alabama family; Maggie and Rita
- music on physical media
- that my mate Chris is back at work
- for medication
- for the good and bad the Army gave me
- for my Northside Velo cycling crew
- for late season sunshine
- for a great psych
- for the joy that music gives me
- for sunsets
- for my mate Davey's friendship
- that my GWS Giants won
- my mate DUG
- for noise cancelling headphones
- for not being seriously injured knocking myself out
- for sunshine on a cool day
- being outside
- Big Daddy K
- a decent public hospital system
- that my kids still love me
- sunny autumn evenings
- for my mates on ANZAC Day
- for relative peace of mind today
- for first world healthcare
- for my mate Todd and that he's OK
- for my mates looking out for me on the bike today
- moments of sanity and calm
- 20 minutes of music on the tram
- for being recognised at work
- a smooth journey to NZ
- celebrating Mother's Day with my Mum and brother
- sleeping in
- Bill trusting me with the car
- getting lost in Wellington
- my nephew and niece
- dinner with NZ whanau
- sun at lunchtime
- public transport
- my friend Sam
- that Zoe and Zac got engaged
- panadol
- long talks with my Dad
- recovering from feeling unwell for two weeks
- polar fleece jackets
- Sutto's long term support and friendship
- quiet moments in the bush
- my relationship with my son
- my back feeling good
- all the work I do on my blog
- Tim, Tim, Mal, Ken, Jono
- for a funny story Alison told me
- hard rock music
- my collection of beanies
- a small break in the weather
- my Dad being an amazing cheer squad
- amusing messages from Angus
- my manager, Toni
- quiet times driving in the sunshine
- being able to ride in shorts, in June!
- My Northside Velo brothers
- for Toddo calling me out on being a hermit
- cool, clear evenings
- riding on a cool day
- my fabulous sister in law
- this journal
- finding the right path home, finally
- heating
- Jesus
- I was kind to myself for once
- my new raincoat
- for Todd and Mick
- flexible work
- for sitting with emotional discomfort
- for my good friend Julie
- friends and family
- for pizza at work
- a long chat with my Mum
- for admitting that I have a problem
- for the park in the centre of town
- for seeing rock wallabies
- that I'm still here
- for my friend Jasmina for cheering me up
- for cuddles and love from Fitz and Gertie
- that my very unhelpful thoughts have gone
- that Zoe is happy
- not to have pain in my head
- for small steps
- for Jess for checking in on me
- for my work being on my side
- for Todd and Suzy always being there for me
- for meditation
- for following the path
- for my brother for checking up on me
- for finally getting a copy of "Get In The Van" by Henry Rollins
- for a different walk route
- for Sarah who made me laugh
- for 30 minutes of sunshine at lunchtime
- that I managed to advocate a bit for myself
- that my exercises are slowly helping
- for my mate George and his unwavering care
- that the ringing in my ears has stopped
- again, to still be here
- for recovery, even if it is slow and bumpy
- for my niece who makes me smile
- my colleagues Eva and Renee who keep an eye on me
- for sticking in there even when I didn't want to go on
- for funny cat pics from Zoe
- that I managed to get outside
- for the Veteran Coffee Catch up crew who make me feel human again
- for meditation helping to dig me out of a hole
- for a catchup with my mate Dave
- that my Aunt from Scotland will visit Mum in NZ for the first time ever
- for the chance to help others through my work
- for my own comfortable space to rehab and recover in
- that I was called on to help in a family crisis
- that I was kind to myself and ordered some music I really wanted